It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
