Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
