My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
