You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
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