saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Randomize
