Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Randomize
