I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
