what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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