So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
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I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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