i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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