i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
As shirtless as possible
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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