we're chasing vodka with high fives
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize