the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
