We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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