My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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