Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
