If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Who died my cat blue again?
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