She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
