I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
