I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
