Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
