Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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