I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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