I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
