I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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