Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
