it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
