I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Dicks are not precious.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
