Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
