my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
