The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
How naked do you want me to be?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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