My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
