Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
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I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
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Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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