He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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