So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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