I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
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