you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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