so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
