wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I want to fling myself into the sun
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
