I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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