I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Sext me about skeletons
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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