I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
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Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
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I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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