i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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