And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
