Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
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