Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
You can't special order awesome
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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