Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
