Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
false alarm, still single
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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