i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
