I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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