Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I have feelings that need drinking.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
