vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
