What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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