I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
you made out with another girl for some wings
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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